Metrotile Freaks

Whatever happened to creativity?!

That puzzled look you have on right now tells me you are not in the same line of thought that I am in I am going to slow down, and let the rest of you slow pokes get here…

OK, I have been waiting an hour and nothing…no one got to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and I am getting sick of this leprechaun’s drunken Irish jokes that are frankly a little racist!! What do you mean there has never been a black man at the end of the rainbow before?! No, we didn’t all die in Noah’s flood!! Let me bring you up to speed before I go all Scarface on this little Irish prick…

I was watching TV the other day(it was another Bob Marley day, and we were lazing with my pal Andy Capp) and you know those annoying commercial breaks, the ones that appear just to arrive when they are playing you favorite video (or if you are a girl, before Miguel just finds out Christina is really in to him*that gave me a hernia typing*), I have had to sit through a couple, and trust me, some of those have made me seriously consider suicide! Kenyan made adverts are a trick! I watch some of these things and I can picture a cluster of big bellied dudes, bored out of their minds and with their creativity still in the 1940s!

You’re with me now, right? Has anyone watched the Metrotile roofing advert? Lost you again haven’t I? It is the advert with a helpless armadillo trying valiantly to climb up a roof during a hailstorm. When he gets to the top, the weather suddenly clears. There are so many things that go wrong with this advert, it is not even funny.

There is no Relevance. Are armadillos really found in Africa? I asked the all knowing god of everything written (Google), and surprise surprise! They are only native to Obamaland! Why in the blazes is this little ungodly animal in a Roofing advert in Kenya? Is it that Metrotile imports these poor creatures and that in the Metrotile factory there are hundreds of psychopath dudes that are busy whacking away at said armadillos and turning their hides into roofing tiles? Does KWS know? Hasn’t the gods of the armadillos figured out what is happening and stopped those godless armadillo butchers? And why do they let the one in the advert get away? Ama he is the armadillo version of James Bond (the way he does that somersault is very secret agent-like) getting the message to an armadillo government? Should we wait for like a revolution? And why a hailstorm…with the armadillo making those horrifying screeching sounds?! Is this an advert, or a trailer to a horror movie…The Armadillo (Fuck! That almost made me pee my pants!)

Whoever made that advert should do their bloody research. Look at other adverts…like the Fanta advert. It makes you want to go out there and drink Fanta. Just to find out whether you can make random people in the street bounce! And the tagline…More Fanta, less serious. That right there makes me want to throw away the misconceptions I have that Fanta is for kids and women, and any man who drinks Fanta is a girly dog!! Such is the power of clever advertising….almost turning me into a girly dog!

They should look at the Guinness adverts. These adverts are so well crafted, and are cleverly slotted in to speak to their target audience. Guinness had this advert where the whole world would toast to the great Arthur…that shit made me go to my local shop, buy a half liter coke, and wait patiently for the next time it aired so I could toast with them. Even now I want to scream that shit out loud at the cyber “TO ARTHUR!!”. They have those adverts where they exalt great men….and the tagline ‘Reach for greatness’ It makes you want to get the hell out of the house in your boxers, run to the pub, grab the bartender by the collar and bellow “Guinness Kubwa. Baridi. Na uharakishe boss!!”. If the advert puts the hair on my skinny chest, think of what the beet would do! That is great advertising!!

Watu ya Metrotile with your funny looking American animal, watu ya Nuru soap with that crazy dude who wears terrible suits and sounds like someone scratching a blackboard, watu ya Ariel with that dimwit of a Tanzanian, watu ya Jik especially you, with that annoying fat South African heifer pay some bloody attention when choosing  who makes your adverts. Angalia TV once in a while…and please don’t choose whoever is making those funny Coke adverts. Whoever visualized a woman drinking that big a glass of coke in one swig, is a very scary person! If you think am kidding, you go try that. It’s worse that taking a half of Kibao Vodka to the head! Any woman who can drink that much coke that fast, and not belch out loud, is either a real badass, or not entirely a woman. Neither of which is a good thing.