Police Brutality

I don’t write a lot these days. This is mostly because there are few topics worth writing about these days. Niggas are mostly about who drank alcohol worth how much and the number of people actually reading for the heck of it is getting smaller as days go by.

However, today of all days, a day in which the great united has drawn with spurs, I have gathered my fingers, keyboard and whatever little brain cells that ze alcohol has not destroyed, and strung together a few words and hoped to hell and high water that they made sense.

The government is full of douchebags and pea brained niggas. The current president came through with a colorful manifesto promising the world and a bag of chips. The few of us that were cognitive enough to question all that glitters not being gold, saw right through the smoke and mirrors of it all. Those who didn’t, and decided to support their KAMWANA, are now seeing that they bought into a truckload of horse manure expertly peddled by an army of snake oil salesmen, and a PR machine that had the devil’s own reach and the efficiency of the flu virus!

Among the high priority pursuits of the Jubilee government was Police reforms. Nigh a day goes by without the public going up in arms about the police taking bribes and underperforming in general. Well, a feature on NTV brought a few things into very bright light, ladies and gentlemen. The police force, in its entirety, is very severely and deeply in the toilet! Quite literally, they are in the shitter, and the general public, by extension are royally fucked!

See, the feature/documentary brought forward a few things that might astound even the staunchest believers in this or the previous regime. The most glaring of theme all was that the elite police force, the Recce Company members, take home, in a good,month, less than  what our president’s children use on a single day. There are empty headed socialites (read hoes) that have on their heads horse hair that costs about what 40 members of the elite unit that guard H.E Uhuru Kenyatta and his Deputy earn a month. The minute I saw this, I lost all hope in this country of ours!

To make matters worse, the regular police are even worse for wear. Their housing situation is what you would call, in your most civilized attempt, fucking shitty, the police stations and posts are in deplorable condition. To make matters worse, there are no evidence storage units to speak of; there is a cop out there, going to bed in a house full of case evidence, and he is expected to give testimony in a case that is supposed to elicit a conviction. The Illuminati couldn’t even hack it under such conditions!!

Now, let me blow your fucking mind, in the year 2013, the year that produced the X-Box 1, there are cops out there still using a fucking typewriter. This bloody government promised laptops to snort nosed brats and the police are using typewriters?! Is there no one who sees something wrong with this picture?! Type-fucking-writers!! Digital era my fifth anterior metatarsal!!

The government is busy making sure that the president and his deputy do not go to the ICC; too busy to notice that the country is slowly disintegrating around them. The salaries and remunerations commission recently gave ward reps a massive increase in pay from 79k to well over 200k, yet the people that deserve better pay are left to fend for themselves.

There are certain basic structures in a nation. They are those things a standing nation cannot function without, they are;

·        A working security infrastructure

·        Functioning medical structures

·        A working education system

When we cannot keep any of these happy, we are very close to that deep abyss that is the failed nation canyon. This is the real police brutality!

Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta, I will tag your twitter handle and that of your chief of digital whatchamacallit, Ole Itumbi to this post. When someone with such elite training as a member of the Recce Company is unhappy, with the skills to kill a man with nothing but a paper clip and a prayer, we should all be very afraid. But….ehh… this is Kenya, it will all blow over in a few days, right UK?!

Drunk, somewhat open letter to parliament

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large crowd…that’s what my teacher used to say. Apparently, both he and the old wise dude he was quoting knew what the hell they were talking about…

I would consider the occupants of the August House a crowd, a very powerful crowd gifted with an incessant and severe lack of the common sense, wouldn’t you?

Good, now that we are on the same page, here is my letter to parliament; and since I am rather wasted on a concoction of very strong spirits, I hope this looks good in the morning.

Dear Parliament,

I think the first order of business should my immeasurable gratitude. I would like to thank you for exposing a very vital flow on the thinking of Kenyans. Beneath our practiced and polished veneer of education and middle-class elitism lies the rot of tribal alignment and well hidden bigotry. How else would you explain the voting in of the less than honorable Liinturi and Duale? Thank you, for showing us that we need to get our heads out of our backsides and actually see things for what they are.

Having done you a great honor in offering gratitude, let me air out my grievances …

You have got to be the largest collection of gluttonous, self-serving and utterly and irrationally cruel human beings in a world of a little over 7 billion. You have continued to make decisions that are not in the interests of the people that put you in the plush seats of that ultra-modern house and the powers that come with them.

If y’all are not arguing on who between the senate and yourselves should wear the big boy pants, you are finding new ways of squeezing more money from our already decrepit financial situations. First, you wanted to award yourselves huge payhikes from the taxpayer’s pocket. When that did not work, you are now trying to detach yourselves from being state officers. All this while, your promises to the medical workers, teachers and other civil servants become irrelevant.

How the bleeding fuck do you tax basic commodities?  Then the prices on milk, bread and maize flour have gone up.Then as if to add insult to injury, you, in the same week where buying two packets of milk almost replaced owning an iPhone as a status symbol, pack your bags and go on a state sponsored vacation to the Netherlands. What else would you call that absurd solidarity trip to the Hague that will cost Kenyans a whooping 150k a day per each of you insane bastards?!

Whatever the case, someone please do something about some of your members. Someone should contact the Governor for Nairobi county to restore Mr. Duale to default settings. And along the same line, I do not condone gender based violence, but if a heifer with a scary-looking hair piece comes to my office accompanied by a host of goons yelling and throwing gang signs at me, I see how selective amnesia could develop. All I am trying to say is, Dr Kidero, I understand.

The long and short of it all is…can you bleeding nincompoops stop acting so damn asinine!! And Mr Duale, there is no way in hell you are convincing me, or any other right thinking Homo sapiens, that withdrawal from the Rome statute is in the best interests of the country. Or that the “plight”(Notice the obvious “”) of the ICC suspects is of such a detrimental nature to our lives that we should rearrange the strucutres of this great nation to accommodate a few of people charged under international law of CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY!! My answer to that is simple….Go Screw Yourself!

There are a lot of things we could say about the MAAAAANY shortcomings of our parliamentarians, and looking for positives would take an entire lifetime, suffice to say, after these four nightmare years, let us put down our respective differences in origin stories and vote in the right niggas (or niggaresses) for the right reasons.

Screw England!

There is no greater feeling in the world like writing when you are pissed! I have got to warn you though, this post is going to feel a little awkward later on and there is likely going to be a backlash of disappointment in myself reading this, but who cares! England won and Kenya lost!

For the dimwitted who have not caught on, I am talking about the Wellingtons 7s final; we lost to those tea and scones bastards! I did not watch the game myself, but from what I gather, the ref was shit; so much shit that the crowd booed when England won….and now I love that crowd!

Those England bastards are not content with giving us the shittiest James Bond in the history of James Bonds, and producing the saddest fat girl on the world, and they had to rig us out of the fucking cup?! So yeah, Thank You England, for Daniel Fucking Craig and Skyfall, for that Hippo Adele, for an insufferable, useless monarch who won’t die, and for today! Thank you for making me feel like I have been colonized again. If it wasn’t for my love of Manchester United….

I have vented, and the demons of denial are gone, at least now I can think on other issues, like those that do not feel a damn thing about how the Kenya Sevens team was cheated out of the cup. I hope for the sake of your soul you have something in your heart that is truly Kenyan that can inspire feelings of national pride. I have the Sevens team and the Kenya Women’s Volleyball team (ulterior motives for supporting them notwithstanding); if you do not, then you are an unpatriotic waste of skin you useless idiot! It doesn’t have to be sports related; it could be anything, as long as it makes you proud to be Kenyan, as long as it is inclusive of the whole nation, as long as it makes sense (and no, Tusker and that Faiba advert don’t count). It just has to be something that is truly Kenyan and has national cohesion value.

This post shouldn’t make sense, and honestly, I don’t give a rat’s ass if it does. It is a spur of the moment post inspired by the close but no cigar feeling…and the sudden realization that there is a worthless Kenyan somewhere, who does not have a national activity that gets him this fired up. Some godless bastard who does not support and/or follow a nationalistic activity, to this point and in my not so humble opinion (The same one that trounces all others as long as it is on this blog) Anyone who does not have one of the above, is the same person who does not give a crap about this country, and is only interested in “their” people. May you get elephantiasis of the balls, and if you don’t have balls, may you grow some actual physical balls, and then get elephantiasis of the balls! 

On that note, and most importantly, Thank You Kenya 7s team. Thank you. You made me very proud to be Kenyan and You really did carry this country high. Your contributions did not go unnoticed! (Sentimental moment over)

Alpha, Mike Foxtrot

This is going to be a longish post, so if you have the attention span of a squirrel on crack, the understanding of a North Korean dictator and the memory of a goldfish, this is where you get off the bus. If you chose to go past here, you admit to relinquishing all semblances of opinions as regarding this post in its entirety. If this post in any way discredits any politicians whose poster you jack off to in the bathroom, and you feel offended, refer to this part and shut the fuck up! 

I told you people in an earlier post (National Players Day) that our country is run by a bunch of Gangsters, some of y’all didn’t believe me, until those motherfuckers went and awarded themselves a hefty “retirement package”, diplomatic passports and a state funeral among other perks…now, that shocked even me. The depths of depravity and lack of humanity that exists in our parliament continues to astound!!

For most people, the emotion they are currently experiencing is called outrage, my mental state is programmed to whittle off the out in outrage (it’s the out that makes it a bitchy emotional state) and go right to the rage…here is what I am wondering, WHAT THE FUCK?!

First off, it’s Janu-fucking-ary, everybody is broke, a consequence of overindulgence during the festive season. Why then, would you go and award yourselves a 9.shit Million shillings payoff?! Unashamedly, kadmnasi ya watu (My Swahili teacher should be proud I remembered this)?! That’s like sitting next to a beggar and counting money, or going to Turkana during a drought with a George Foreman grill and 3 kilos of meat, and a tent for shade! It’s like kicking an old woman down a flight of stairs, videotaping that shit while laughing, then posting it on YouTube!

 9 million is a shitload of money!! It’s the same amount of money that a casual making 10,000 Ksh a month would make in 75 years, in a country whose life expectancy is 50 years. This is the same money a nigga that barely made it out of high school is going to award his damn self at once?! Am I the only one who finds this to be fucked up?!

Come to think of it, isn’t retirement supposed to mean that you are done doing some shit? When you retire, unafaa upewe gumboots, wheelbarrow na kashamba rwai, right? Why then, are all these “retirees” vying to go right back to work?! If they get that retirement package, shouldn’t they just…I don’t know….maybe fuck off?!

Second, state funerals…the definition, according to the Collins Dictionary, loosely translates to a funeral that involves the country in a day of national mourning, for people that hold significance to, and have immensely helped the nation. This does not in any way even remotely describe ANY member of the current parliament…This bastards have spent their entire term in office creating the perfect environments for them to further shaft the country in the ass. State funerals should be for those officers that died in the line of duty in Baragoi, whose massacre is instead being blamed on one man....Mr. Waiganjo. SMDH, how does one man fuck up a whole operation, and where were other intelligence agencies and bigwigs?

We are headed into an election period; that is going to be the most charged yet, and this is the year that the parliamentarians decide to award themselves diplomatic passports…hmmm. For some reason, I feel gamed! I feel like these fuckers know something that I don’t…the same fuckers who receive intelligence reports and I don’t. I feel like they are fucking preparing for an eventuality that I am unaware of…like I should start packing and converting my money into international currency (How much is 8k in dollars again...coz that’s about how much I am worth!)

 Diplomatic passports are issued to people who are going out of the country on official state business…now, I don’t mean to be an ass (ok maybe I do), but what official state fucking business is Wakoli, sonko or Waititu going to conduct for us? Stone throwing at a UN summit au punching the wall kwa the White House? 

The thing about diplomatic passports is that when you get one, your entire family is eligible for one too…and with diplomatic passports, you qualify for asylum faster, and with a lot less hustle. You also don’t have to have your baggage checked; you can have that shit stamped DIPLOMATIC MAIL. Now, doesn’t this sound like a bunch of people who are either preparing to get the hell outta dogde, or a bunch of people who want to smuggle some shit into OUR country? I told yous….GANGSTERS!!

The really fucked up bit, is that Most of the presidential candidates, barring underwear girl and the poster boy for Colgate, are in the August house. None of those motherfuckers spoke out when these shenanigans were being perpetrated. The Finance minister, that retarded motherfucker, is vying for governor of my home county…this douche is like that rapist who rapes a child, then brings flowers to the hospital! No conscience…You shaft me in the ass with no lube, then you want me to trust you with the 2.9 Billion allegedly to be allocated to my County? FUCK YOU!!!

RAO, the honourable member for Lang’ata, just decided to stand up for the masses…when the bill is at the signing stage (nimesahau that assewhatever word). Saa hii is when he shows up with blue undies over his gray suit and tries to play superman?! Fuck you too son! Where were you when this shit began? Where were any of those presidential fucking candidates when it mattered? Now is not the time to start acting mother fucking Teresa! RAO, UK, PK, Martha, The Jilted Bride…all these people should have shown us their responsible side by lobbying against this bill when the motion was tabled in parliament…not now!

The really sad thing though, is that there are more fucked up things happening, that the MPigs should sort out first…violence in mathare, but the Member of Parliament responsible is busy asking for an apology from Ndolo. Tana River is  on fire…literally! Children as young as 2 years old are dying, and the Member of Parliament is too busy kissing ass and blowing some coalition’s hierarchy to give a flying fuck! It’s all about nominations and what party will get me back at the eating table, the people be damned.

This is what in Call of Duty is called S.N.A.F.U. (Situation Normal All Fucked Up). I think it is time we as the whole goddamn country, we stopped acting like a bunch of bitchy little girls, and got angry. It is time we channeled our anger towards the rightful recipients, instead of at each other. It is time to flex our collective muscle and kick ass!! We have the power to change, and hold these fuckers accountable for their buffoonery. We should stop cheering them on as they burn this place to the fucking ground. It’s our collective duty! 

It is easy to give up on this country, when the feeling of helplessness compounds. And that statement, that hope springs eternal, seems inapplicable for vast stages of being a Kenyan. Churchill (Winston, not the idiot comedian) said;

        “I drink in victory, to celebrate; and I drink in defeat, just because I need it.”

In other words, as things are, and as things are set to go, with the ordinary mwananchi pining to vote in the same bunch of faggots that is about to royally shaft them in the ass, we all will need a stiff one real soon. So whatever your poison is, from chang’aa to Ciroc, it is time to make St. Monica (patron saint of alcoholics) your saint for the year, and quite possibly for the rest your Kenyanity, or at least until the majority of this fair, near-failed country evolves into somewhat functional hominids.