This is going to be a longish post, so if you have the attention span of a squirrel on crack, the understanding of a North Korean dictator and the memory of a goldfish, this is where you get off the bus. If you chose to go past here, you admit to relinquishing all semblances of opinions as regarding this post in its entirety. If this post in any way discredits any politicians whose poster you jack off to in the bathroom, and you feel offended, refer to this part and shut the fuck up!
I told you people in an earlier post (National Players Day) that our country is run by a bunch of Gangsters, some of y’all didn’t believe me, until those motherfuckers went and awarded themselves a hefty “retirement package”, diplomatic passports and a state funeral among other perks…now, that shocked even me. The depths of depravity and lack of humanity that exists in our parliament continues to astound!!
For most people, the emotion they are currently experiencing is called outrage, my mental state is programmed to whittle off the out in outrage (it’s the out that makes it a bitchy emotional state) and go right to the rage…here is what I am wondering, WHAT THE FUCK?!
First off, it’s Janu-fucking-ary, everybody is broke, a consequence of overindulgence during the festive season. Why then, would you go and award yourselves a 9.shit Million shillings payoff?! Unashamedly, kadmnasi ya watu (My Swahili teacher should be proud I remembered this)?! That’s like sitting next to a beggar and counting money, or going to Turkana during a drought with a George Foreman grill and 3 kilos of meat, and a tent for shade! It’s like kicking an old woman down a flight of stairs, videotaping that shit while laughing, then posting it on YouTube!
9 million is a shitload of money!! It’s the same amount of money that a casual making 10,000 Ksh a month would make in 75 years, in a country whose life expectancy is 50 years. This is the same money a nigga that barely made it out of high school is going to award his damn self at once?! Am I the only one who finds this to be fucked up?!
Come to think of it, isn’t retirement supposed to mean that you are done doing some shit? When you retire, unafaa upewe gumboots, wheelbarrow na kashamba rwai, right? Why then, are all these “retirees” vying to go right back to work?! If they get that retirement package, shouldn’t they just…I don’t know….maybe fuck off?!
Second, state funerals…the definition, according to the Collins Dictionary, loosely translates to a funeral that involves the country in a day of national mourning, for people that hold significance to, and have immensely helped the nation. This does not in any way even remotely describe ANY member of the current parliament…This bastards have spent their entire term in office creating the perfect environments for them to further shaft the country in the ass. State funerals should be for those officers that died in the line of duty in Baragoi, whose massacre is instead being blamed on one man....Mr. Waiganjo. SMDH, how does one man fuck up a whole operation, and where were other intelligence agencies and bigwigs?
We are headed into an election period; that is going to be the most charged yet, and this is the year that the parliamentarians decide to award themselves diplomatic passports…hmmm. For some reason, I feel gamed! I feel like these fuckers know something that I don’t…the same fuckers who receive intelligence reports and I don’t. I feel like they are fucking preparing for an eventuality that I am unaware of…like I should start packing and converting my money into international currency (How much is 8k in dollars again...coz that’s about how much I am worth!)
Diplomatic passports are issued to people who are going out of the country on official state business…now, I don’t mean to be an ass (ok maybe I do), but what official state fucking business is Wakoli, sonko or Waititu going to conduct for us? Stone throwing at a UN summit au punching the wall kwa the White House?
The thing about diplomatic passports is that when you get one, your entire family is eligible for one too…and with diplomatic passports, you qualify for asylum faster, and with a lot less hustle. You also don’t have to have your baggage checked; you can have that shit stamped DIPLOMATIC MAIL. Now, doesn’t this sound like a bunch of people who are either preparing to get the hell outta dogde, or a bunch of people who want to smuggle some shit into OUR country? I told yous….GANGSTERS!!
The really fucked up bit, is that Most of the presidential candidates, barring underwear girl and the poster boy for Colgate, are in the August house. None of those motherfuckers spoke out when these shenanigans were being perpetrated. The Finance minister, that retarded motherfucker, is vying for governor of my home county…this douche is like that rapist who rapes a child, then brings flowers to the hospital! No conscience…You shaft me in the ass with no lube, then you want me to trust you with the 2.9 Billion allegedly to be allocated to my County? FUCK YOU!!!
RAO, the honourable member for Lang’ata, just decided to stand up for the masses…when the bill is at the signing stage (nimesahau that assewhatever word). Saa hii is when he shows up with blue undies over his gray suit and tries to play superman?! Fuck you too son! Where were you when this shit began? Where were any of those presidential fucking candidates when it mattered? Now is not the time to start acting mother fucking Teresa! RAO, UK, PK, Martha, The Jilted Bride…all these people should have shown us their responsible side by lobbying against this bill when the motion was tabled in parliament…not now!
The really sad thing though, is that there are more fucked up things happening, that the MPigs should sort out first…violence in mathare, but the Member of Parliament responsible is busy asking for an apology from Ndolo. Tana River is on fire…literally! Children as young as 2 years old are dying, and the Member of Parliament is too busy kissing ass and blowing some coalition’s hierarchy to give a flying fuck! It’s all about nominations and what party will get me back at the eating table, the people be damned.
This is what in Call of Duty is called S.N.A.F.U. (Situation Normal All Fucked Up). I think it is time we as the whole goddamn country, we stopped acting like a bunch of bitchy little girls, and got angry. It is time we channeled our anger towards the rightful recipients, instead of at each other. It is time to flex our collective muscle and kick ass!! We have the power to change, and hold these fuckers accountable for their buffoonery. We should stop cheering them on as they burn this place to the fucking ground. It’s our collective duty!
It is easy to give up on this country, when the feeling of helplessness compounds. And that statement, that hope springs eternal, seems inapplicable for vast stages of being a Kenyan. Churchill (Winston, not the idiot comedian) said;
“I drink in victory, to celebrate; and I drink in defeat, just because I need it.”
In other words, as things are, and as things are set to go, with the ordinary mwananchi pining to vote in the same bunch of faggots that is about to royally shaft them in the ass, we all will need a stiff one real soon. So whatever your poison is, from chang’aa to Ciroc, it is time to make St. Monica (patron saint of alcoholics) your saint for the year, and quite possibly for the rest your Kenyanity, or at least until the majority of this fair, near-failed country evolves into somewhat functional hominids.
They should have told us to skive christmas so we can afford them that package, wait that aint enough, i think not getting any education would be worth more, we wouldnt mind, i mean why should we wen they love us so much they even sat a longer than usual period to pass the bill? Oh n wile, i see my long term investment,(repeated use of the word kadamnasi) has paid off, you can send that cheque now.
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